The following is not real. If you need to feel sorry for me, there are plenty of real reasons to do so, please do not pity me for my lack of a testicle, for I am a whole (albeit surgically altered) man. Thank you.
I haven't been on Newsvine very much lately. It's because I've been laid up and it's hard to sit at the computer for any length of time. You will soon learn how I lost my left testicle.
As some of you know, I am really into knife fighting. I love the rush it gives me. I never feel so powerful as when some guy and I are settling our differences with knives. It's me alone with a sharp piece of metal against another guy with a sharp piece of metal. The adrenaline rush is better than any high you can feel. If you've ever been in a knife fight you know what i mean. I don't mean a regular bar fight. I mean an arranged fight.
I was at a bar with my friends last week tossing back a few Labatts. These frickin jerks kept making asshat comments about Jeff - a guy at our table. Jeff has to wear a patch on his eye because he got it poked out in high school playing hockey. Believe me he looks better with the patch on. Anyway these cranks kept talking like pirates and looking over at our table and laughing. Fuckwads. So I told them to shut their mouths. After some back and forth the biggest hoser got up and sat his fat ass at our table and asked what we were going to do about it.
I'm really tall and thin so I don't look all that tough. But I have something over a lot of dudes. I'm frickin crazy. Crazy beats strong any day. So I told the jerk that I would shut him up out in the parking lot. He laughed and said he'd meet me outside.
It's colder than a witch's you-know-what outside, but I'm not backing down. This dude is going down. I pull out my blade and start laughing like I'm crazy because it always gives me an edge. He pulls out his knife and starts acting like a bad ass. So we start circling each other and spitting and throwing insults. I lashed out first and sliced his wrist. Score! He's bleeding like a pig. He's really pissed off that I got him. I'm just laughing like a crazy man. My friends are yelling that I'm crazy. All of a sudden the dude comes at me, but instead of swiping at me he kicks me in the shin and I lose my footing and fall. The ground was kind of icy so I couldn't get up as fast as I wanted. Then the dude comes after me when I'm on the ground which is totally uncool. I kick him and he starts to stumble but he falls forward toward me instead of backward which is what I was hoping.
This is when I sustained the worst injury imaginable. As he fell he put his hands out to catch himself and I see this blade coming toward my jewels. Then it was like I was struck by lightning. The blade got me right in the left nut. I've never felt so much freaking pain in my life. There was blood all over. I threw up right where I laid.
Mike called an ambulance on his cell. The jerk and his jag-off friends take off running like a bunch of girls.
When I get to the hospital I am in so much pain that I feel like I'm going to pass out. It got all crazy with everyone yelling and tearing at my pants. I knew something was really wrong by how the doctors were looking at my crotch but I was so out of it I couldn't even talk to ask them.
After I woke up Jeff and my parents came in to see how I was. My dad told me that the doctors had to take off my left testicle because it was so damaged by the knife. He said the doctor said I was lucky because if it had sliced my femoral artery I'd be dead. I don't feel very lucky. I've got to go because the pain killer is wearing off. I'll update this later. I don't have a laptop and it's really hard to sit.